Sunday, December 30, 2007

December 30: I promised myself I wouldn't do this

Tomorrow is New Years' Eve. Which means that the day after tomorrow is the official start of a new year. What does that mean for me? Well, nothing really. Actually, that's not true, it does mean one thing: as someone who actively operates and contributes content to a journal web site, I feel an enormous temptation to fall into one of the biggest and most annoying cliches of modern pop culture:

The "Year-End Wrap-Up"

It makes my skin crawl at just the sight of the word. Every year, we as a populace are forced to sit through list after list of the Greatest YouTube videos or the Greatest Pictures of Craaaazy Houses or the Greatest Sports Moments of 2000-whenever. And I won't do that to you. I value you as a reader and I will not put you through that. All I will say is that in a matter of hours we will, as a planet, officially replace the last number of the year with its next sequentially higher number; this will be done to more accurately record our history, be taxed by our governments, and create more year-end wrap-up lists. Whoop-de-shit.

And even though I've attempted to be as terse as possible in my description of Y2K8, I feel as if I've overdone it. And I apologize with heartfelt sincerity.

Sooo, to replace the urges I have to scour the internet for stupid regurgitated bullshit to show you, I'll give you something original that has nothing to do with what happens a day or two from now.

Dear Internet, I hate you

Do you enjoy using the Internet? Of course you do! We all do! How else do you think it got to be so popular unless it gave us so much great stuff? With the Internet, I can look up who directed the first Die Hard (Josh McTiernan), read a review of the latest version of Photoshop (it rocks), or share my sketches and doodles with you, the viewing public! Hell, did you know you can even find naked ladies on the Internet? It's true!

What else can you do with the Internet? Well, you can go to a site like MySpace or Livejournal and post self-shot pictures taken with your digital camera from wacky, obscure angles! Go ahead, reach up as high as you can, point the camera down at yourself, and SNAP! Look at that, it totally shows off your boobs AND your ass at the same time! Or, if showing off your naughty bits isn't your thing, you can always start a weblog (or as the kids call it, a 'blog') and write down your innermost thoughts about anything you want: your kids, your job, your car, whatever! As long as it's something intellectually stimulating or thought provoking--just kidding! Nobody gives a shit what you write about, just as long as you write something!

Cripes.

I use an application on the Firefox web browser called StumbleUpon. If you don't know what it does, it's an application that allows you to browse random sites on the internet (rather, "stumble upon" them), all categorized into topics by millions of other StumbleUpon users. All you have to do is tell the application what topics interest you, click a little button on the toolbar that says "Stumble!" and off you go to any number of sites that fall into your selected areas of interest. I'll sometimes use StumbleUpon if I'm bored on the Internet, but can't seem to manage to pry myself from my keyboard. It's a good time killer, and it usually takes me to some pretty interesting places on the web that I would have probably never found unless I installed a program on my browser that would find said websites for me. For the most part it's a pretty nifty device for surfing the Internet if you don't have anywhere specific you want to go.

If you use StumbleUpon as much as I do, however, you'll start to develop a strong hatred for the Internet, much like I have developed already; because after a while:

You realize that you've just stumbled upon the 20th website in an hour with the same unfunny YouTube video of someone's reaction to "2 Girls 1 Cup" embedded in their weblog.

Or yet another bevy of photos of truly marvelous and awe-inspiring landscapes you never knew existed on this planet, only to realize after dozens of times looking at it that the photo has clearly been photoshopped to make said landscape appear much more marvelous than it really is.

OR you'll see dozens of pictures of wacky, crazy advertisements from Europe, eventually coming to the conclusion that it is not the "wacky" advertisement ITSELF that sells the product it advertises so "wackily," but it's the viral image that's spread itself over the Internet like AIDS through Africa that actually sells the product. Ads for ads ad infinitum.

OOORRR you'll encounter one more list of 87 ways to melt your lovers' heart with some sappy pseudo-romantic bullshit that makes you want to swear off women for the rest of your life.

DAMMIT, INTERNET, THIS IS THE HUNDREDTH TIME I'VE SEEN THE TOP 50 CRAZIEST JAPANESE INVENTIONS! "NO MORE LIKE THIS"!

Now you're probably thinking, "Then quit using that program you stupid jerk! If you hate it so much, just don't do it!" First: Yeah, maybe I will, and Second: Screw you, I'll do what I want!

I probably wouldn't hate the Internet so much if I didn't have a sketchblog. If I weren't a part of the online community (a miniscule fraction of a part, but a part, regardless) I could just say "Man, the Internet is crazy and stupid, am I right?" But because I have a blog, thus making me a Part of the proverbial Problem, I feel like I need to answer for it somehow. Trouble is, I don't know how to go about answering for it.

Instead, I try to do better. The Internet is probably the clearest modern illustration of the fact that there is nothing new under the sun. Browse the Internet long enough and you'll quickly realize that it really has all been done, and done ad nauseam. So, the only thing I can do is try to not be just another blog of stupid viral videos or pictures of kittens with funny captions pulled off other websites. I can also try and not take myself as seriously as some other bloggers out there and to put out content that's as interesting as I can make it, as well. I'm not sure if I've done that so well in the past, but I hope to do it better in the future. I hate to become a cliche, but if I have a plan for the New Year, as far as this site is concerned, that would sum it up pretty well.

Dammit! I promised myself I wouldn't make this about the new year. Sorry.

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